Today I got to spend the afternoon helping the worship minister at church to prepare for the next Sunday service. His regular assistant is out of town- thus, they could use my help.

I forgot how much I love getting a church and its technology ready for the Sunday service.

It’s just so rewarding to do the work and then to be able to see the results on Sunday. Plus I love being able to use my technical skills in this way. Not to mention it’s fantastic to be able to work with a minister who I respect, and who likewise appreciates my contributions.
This minister has encouraged me previously to apply for an opening on his staff, as I’ve mentioned before. It is just so, so flattering. Plus I am mostly qualified for the position… and did I mention it is incredibly flattering? Part of me would love to work on this team. I mean, to work with a team of individuals that I respect, and who likewise respect me- it’s the kind of thing I’ve never had the opportunity to do before. (why do you think I’m self-employed?)

I doubt I will apply. It’s soooo tempting- the health insurance alone would be fantastic. But there’s a reason I’m self-employed. I’m a paradox. I’m talkative and outgoing, but I am an introvert to the core. It sounds contradictory but it’s true. My life and my experiences have taught me that it’s easier to remain introspective. People exhaust me. As I often say, I was born an extrovert but my life has made me an introvert.

That job, in many ways, would be a dream. But I just can’t see myself walking away from my position as a volunteer. As much as I would love to have that job… well… not yet.

I’ve been feeling very pensive lately.

In the past few days, I’ve been interacting with and helping a couple of the people on the staff at the church I go to. They’ve been incredibly kind and I’ve enjoyed it very much.

There is even an opening on the staff for which I am partially qualified, and they have encouraged me to apply for it. And they barely know me!

I am incredibly flattered by this. How could I not be? It means a lot to have someone tell me how much they appreciate the work I do.

Yet at the very least, I wonder if they can even comprehend the journey I’ve lived. My background is messy, to put it mildly. There is pain beyond measure in my past. There are mistakes. There are failings.

I fight a voice in my head that speaks fear. I remember, at previous churches, where the leaders were kind to me until they weren’t. Fear tells me to hold back. Fear wonders when the other shoe will drop, so to speak- when I will again be cast out.

I know, rationally, that the voice of fear is NOT the voice of truth. I know that the truth will not be what I fear. Furthermore, I know that I have nothing to fear, that I am never alone, that I will always have my Jesus.

Yet the fear is there. Somewhere in the perimeter of my mind, it whispers. It reminds me of the past and warns me protect myself so that can’t happen again.

There is a part of me that wants to tell them. To explain why I am so hesitant to join the church, or to apply for the job. Yet how can I even begin to describe what I’ve been through? It’s not exactly the kind of thing you can mention in passing. Plus, the fear tells me that I shouldn’t trust them, that I should just never tell anyone because then no one can hurt me. Ridiculous, huh?

Not to mention, would they even believe me? Heaven knows I’ve been rejected by people who refuse to accept my past, my journey. Worse, the people who rejected me were often the people who should have accepted me and guided me.

I can’t help but wonder how they would react if they knew. I’m not who they think I am. That job- I just can’t see any way that might turn out well. I’m sure the application process would include lots of questions about my history, and I just can’t imagine them accepting all the skeletons in my closets. And now that I’ve found a church that seems nice enough- if I get rejected and cast out again- I just don’t know if I can do it again.

I don’t know what the future holds. I have these 2 people who seem to be new friends. There are other people in the church who seem to be my friends. If you can’t tell, my mind is running in circles tonight. Not to mention I’ve been so busy that I’m crazy sleep deprived, and I rarely make sense when I’m sleep deprived. Perhaps it will all be a little clearer in the morning.

This week, a local news anchor committed suicide.

Today while I was working, I heard this song on the radio and couldn’t help but think of him.

(Sorry, couldn’t find the official music video.)

Tick tock, hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late?

Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness, I guess, I just forget
To do all the things I said

Time passes by, never thought I’d wind up
One step behind, now I’ve made my mind up

Today, I’m gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I’m gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late, one day too late

Tick tock, hear my life pass by
I can’t erase and I can’t rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do
Wish I’d spent more time with you

Here’s my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
In the end I’ll make it up to you
You’ll see, you’ll get the very best of me

Time passes by, never thought I’d wind up
One step behind, now I’ve made my mind up

Today, I’m gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I’m gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

Your time is running out
You’re never gonna get it back
So make the most of every moment
Stop saving the best for last

Today, I’m gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I’m gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

One day too late, one day too late
One day too late, one day too late

My life has taken a lot of surprising turns. A lot. The reality is, I’m not always sure how I made it to where I am.

When I was 17, I almost died.
When I was 19, I almost died.

It’s not that I’m not glad to be alive- I am. But I have found very few people who understand, or even desire to understand, the traumas I’ve lived through or the ways those have changed me. That’s rough, some days.

It’s been a stressful summer. My income hasn’t quite been what it once was. My passion for my career isn’t what it once was. It leaves a lot of unknowns in my future, even more than usual.

I don’t fit into a box, and I love that about myself. I’m not even a little bit like anyone I’ve ever known. Yet I sometimes think the people around me want me to fit in a box. They want to compartmentalize me in a way that is neat and tidy and easy to understand.

I don’t know what the future holds, and truth be told, I’m a teensy bit afraid of it. But I’m excited too. Sometimes I just wish it would just hurry up and get here.

This may be the most controversial post I’ve ever written, but it needs to be said.

Unless you’ve hidden under a rock, you know that Osama bin Laden was killed by a team of U.S. Navy Seals less than a week ago.

Bin Laden certainly committed a myriad of evil, evil acts. How can a person be so filled with hate for people he’s never even met? Unfortunately, bin Laden is not the first person to be filled with this hate- history is filled with evil leaders who indiscriminately slaughtered others. From Attila the Hun to Vlad the Impaler to Ivan the Terrible, to Adolf Hitler or Joseph Stalin- all men who committed these unspeakable acts of hate.

Yet, as a committed Christian, I dare to believe that every single one of these at least *could* have received divine forgiveness for their actions.

Now let me clarify: I am saying they COULD have received forgiveness, not that they DID. Had they made the choice to repent of their sins and devote their lives to Christ, they could have been forgiven. Only God knows their hearts, but in all these cases, there is reason to suspect that they did not.

I am not saying that, by devoting their lives to Christ, they would have been absolved of the consequences of their actions. I’m reminded of a man here in my home state of Missouri who was executed a few years ago. He committed a terrible crime- torturing and killing a man who stopped to help him when his car broke down. In prison and on death row, spending many hours alone with just his memories of what he’d done, he started reading the Bible and gave his life to Christ. He became a changed man, repeatedly apologizing to the family of his victim. He even sought stay of execution based on his changed life. However, giving his life to Christ didn’t undo his earlier actions. He had to face the consequences of his crime- execution.

I can’t imagine what kind of punishment would be suffered by, for example, Adolf Hitler, if he had lived beyond the war. It would certainly not have been easy.

Yet this life is but a breath. We blink, and it’s over. Jesus is about eternity, and His forgiveness gives us the privilege of spending eternity in Heaven, in the presence of God. There is nothing on earth that He can’t or won’t forgive.

Of course, the flip side of this is hell. For those who do not accept Jesus, for those who reject forgiveness, there is eternity in hell. It’s often portrayed as fire and brimstone and Satan in a red leotard with horns and a pitchfork, but in reality it is so much worse. Reality is an eternity of being separated from and even rejected by God. It’s an eternity of knowing what you could have had, but realizing that you gave up your chance.

It grieves me to see so many people (mostly Americans) celebrating bin Laden’s death. He was an evil man, for sure, but he now has to stand before God and make account for his actions. He is receiving a judgement that is far worse than anything we could think up.

I understand why he was killed from a “macro”, national-security perspective. I understand why his capture or death was important to national (and global) security.

But must we celebrate someone spending an eternity in hell? It is not unlike the words of John Bradford: There but for the grace of God go I. We are all sinners, and while we may not be as “bad” as bin Laden, we are all deserving of an eternity in hell. It is only by the grace of God that we received the opportunity to spend our eternities in Heaven.

Merriam-Webster defines a friend as:

one attached to another by affection or esteem

but I don’t think a dictionary can really fully define a friend.

Thinking back over my life, over the many people I’ve know and the many I’ve called friends, it is so funny to see how the people have flowed in and out of my life. Like water. Friends have helped in times of trouble, and yes, on some occasions friends have hurt me in ways that only friends can.

But most of all, as I think back, I realize how the friends have come and gone at the right times. Some people have entered my life, as friends, when I most needed them. Those people have left me, and even though I may not have wanted to admit it at the time, their departure from my life was truly God’s way of giving me His best.

Just think… most of my biggest and best life changes have come after losing friends.

It was because I lost a friend that I decided to study education.

It was because I lost a friend that I moved overseas and served on the mission field.

It was because I lost a friend that I decided to run a 5k, which evolved into a 10k, which evolved into a half marathon, and I’m still thinking about running a full marathon next fall.

Friendship is so fluid. I’m so thankful that God has taken those friends away when He did, because what he gave me in return was so much better.

Last Sunday I had the opportunity to go to a Royals baseball game with my new friends. It was tons of fun!

First, one gal named Margy received four free tickets from a friend (who got them from work). She offered me one ticket, and when I hesitated, basically insisted that I take that ticket. Because of her, I didn’t have to pay for the ticket or the parking! Wow!!

More wow: these free tickets were RIGHT BEHIND THE DUGOUT!

Way cool!

This is Terri, the gal I sat by for the majority of the game. She was super nice and we had a great time chatting and getting to know each other.

I forgot to bring my camera so I had to rely on my cell phone camera. Definitely a major regret, because this would have been a fantastic time to have a camera! It was still fun, though. The Royals really fought hard!

These four free tickets were close to the dugout, but our group was larger than four (maybe a dozen or so?), so the rest of the group bought $20 tickets that were up on the top level, and we walked around and circulated between the two locations. Luckily, Kauffman Stadium doesn’t really have a bad seat! During roughly the third through the sixth inning, Terri and I went up to the “upper” seats and let two of our friends enjoy a few innings in the “lower” seats.

Up high, but still not too hard to see!

Towards the end of the game, I walked up right up behind the dugout to take photographs. I only got a couple of shots before an usher came up and harassed me about standing too close to the dugout.

The Royals lost, but that didn’t take away from the fun. I really enjoyed the game, the ball park, and spending time with these friends!!

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.

Going to this new church, meeting new people, visiting new groups… it seems like a big deal to me.

When I visited the young singles group at this church, I was very disappointed by the lack of hospitality. I received a couple of replies to emails I sent, but I have only received ONE text message that was not initiated by myself.

I have the distinct feeling that I’m not wanted in this group, and that hurts. They have all made it clear to me that during the week, they are sending text messages to each other, following each other on Facebook, and so forth. But not to me.

I am not sure if they are intending to send this negative message or if they are just lazy, but it doesn’t really matter. I’ve never had the opportunity to be involved in a healthy Christian group with people my own age, and I’m a bit sad that this one won’t work either.

Every now and then I will see someone at church, who I recognize from this singles group, who will say hello and even ask me for my email address and promise to email me that week. But they never do.

I went to another group, though, a larger group for adults in general, not just a particular age group or demographic. This group was so different, and it’s almost hard to believe that this is the same church. This group has gone overboard to make me feel welcome. I’ve been welcomed into a smaller group-with-a-group of young and (mostly) single adults. I’ve received emails. I’ve been friended on Facebook. I even had someone stop by my house unannounced! This group celebrated with me when I ran my half marathon. They search for me on Sunday mornings.

I never before realized just how important hospitality is within a church. I speak from experience, now. I know that I want to go where I’m wanted. I know there is a certain human element in that- that we should not desire approval from other people- but very few people can persist in a place where they are not wanted. I’m not one of them. That was why I left my previous church.

Every now and then, when I run into someone from the singles group, I feel a twinge of sadness. I do wish I could experience a healthy Christian group of my peers. But the key word in that is “healthy”. I’m not sure this particular group is a “healthy” group. Obviously it is working for at least a few people- that’s why the group exists. But it will never work for me.

I am thankful, then, that this other, “older” adults group has been a place for me. I am thankful that they welcome me and desire my company. Most of all, I’m thankful for them. I’m thankful that they call me a friend. It’s easy to forget the huge ways our day-to-day actions can change eternity.

Today I read about this: a filmmaker who claims to have discovered the same nails that were used to crucify Jesus. I can only sigh.

I wish people could see that it’s not about the nails! The nails are just like the Shroud of Turin or the Holy Grail. Are these the same artifacts that were used in relation with Jesus? Maybe. Maybe not. Ultimately it doesn’t matter, because the nails and the Shroud and the Grail will all pass away. They’re all just physical material things. One fire, earthquake, or some other natural disaster, and they could be destroyed and lost forever.

Jesus won’t go away.

When the nails are gone, and the Shroud is gone, and the Grail is gone, Jesus won’t go anywhere. The presence of those material objects has absolutely no impact on the presence (or absence) of Jesus.

Forget about the nails. Forget about the Shroud. Forget about the Grail. Forget about everything material that may or may not somehow be related to Jesus’ time on earth. It doesn’t matter.

All that matters is Jesus.