I’ve been feeling very pensive lately.

In the past few days, I’ve been interacting with and helping a couple of the people on the staff at the church I go to. They’ve been incredibly kind and I’ve enjoyed it very much.

There is even an opening on the staff for which I am partially qualified, and they have encouraged me to apply for it. And they barely know me!

I am incredibly flattered by this. How could I not be? It means a lot to have someone tell me how much they appreciate the work I do.

Yet at the very least, I wonder if they can even comprehend the journey I’ve lived. My background is messy, to put it mildly. There is pain beyond measure in my past. There are mistakes. There are failings.

I fight a voice in my head that speaks fear. I remember, at previous churches, where the leaders were kind to me until they weren’t. Fear tells me to hold back. Fear wonders when the other shoe will drop, so to speak- when I will again be cast out.

I know, rationally, that the voice of fear is NOT the voice of truth. I know that the truth will not be what I fear. Furthermore, I know that I have nothing to fear, that I am never alone, that I will always have my Jesus.

Yet the fear is there. Somewhere in the perimeter of my mind, it whispers. It reminds me of the past and warns me protect myself so that can’t happen again.

There is a part of me that wants to tell them. To explain why I am so hesitant to join the church, or to apply for the job. Yet how can I even begin to describe what I’ve been through? It’s not exactly the kind of thing you can mention in passing. Plus, the fear tells me that I shouldn’t trust them, that I should just never tell anyone because then no one can hurt me. Ridiculous, huh?

Not to mention, would they even believe me? Heaven knows I’ve been rejected by people who refuse to accept my past, my journey. Worse, the people who rejected me were often the people who should have accepted me and guided me.

I can’t help but wonder how they would react if they knew. I’m not who they think I am. That job- I just can’t see any way that might turn out well. I’m sure the application process would include lots of questions about my history, and I just can’t imagine them accepting all the skeletons in my closets. And now that I’ve found a church that seems nice enough- if I get rejected and cast out again- I just don’t know if I can do it again.

I don’t know what the future holds. I have these 2 people who seem to be new friends. There are other people in the church who seem to be my friends. If you can’t tell, my mind is running in circles tonight. Not to mention I’ve been so busy that I’m crazy sleep deprived, and I rarely make sense when I’m sleep deprived. Perhaps it will all be a little clearer in the morning.

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