Today I got to spend the afternoon helping the worship minister at church to prepare for the next Sunday service. His regular assistant is out of town- thus, they could use my help.

I forgot how much I love getting a church and its technology ready for the Sunday service.

It’s just so rewarding to do the work and then to be able to see the results on Sunday. Plus I love being able to use my technical skills in this way. Not to mention it’s fantastic to be able to work with a minister who I respect, and who likewise appreciates my contributions.
This minister has encouraged me previously to apply for an opening on his staff, as I’ve mentioned before. It is just so, so flattering. Plus I am mostly qualified for the position… and did I mention it is incredibly flattering? Part of me would love to work on this team. I mean, to work with a team of individuals that I respect, and who likewise respect me- it’s the kind of thing I’ve never had the opportunity to do before. (why do you think I’m self-employed?)

I doubt I will apply. It’s soooo tempting- the health insurance alone would be fantastic. But there’s a reason I’m self-employed. I’m a paradox. I’m talkative and outgoing, but I am an introvert to the core. It sounds contradictory but it’s true. My life and my experiences have taught me that it’s easier to remain introspective. People exhaust me. As I often say, I was born an extrovert but my life has made me an introvert.

That job, in many ways, would be a dream. But I just can’t see myself walking away from my position as a volunteer. As much as I would love to have that job… well… not yet.

I’ve been feeling very pensive lately.

In the past few days, I’ve been interacting with and helping a couple of the people on the staff at the church I go to. They’ve been incredibly kind and I’ve enjoyed it very much.

There is even an opening on the staff for which I am partially qualified, and they have encouraged me to apply for it. And they barely know me!

I am incredibly flattered by this. How could I not be? It means a lot to have someone tell me how much they appreciate the work I do.

Yet at the very least, I wonder if they can even comprehend the journey I’ve lived. My background is messy, to put it mildly. There is pain beyond measure in my past. There are mistakes. There are failings.

I fight a voice in my head that speaks fear. I remember, at previous churches, where the leaders were kind to me until they weren’t. Fear tells me to hold back. Fear wonders when the other shoe will drop, so to speak- when I will again be cast out.

I know, rationally, that the voice of fear is NOT the voice of truth. I know that the truth will not be what I fear. Furthermore, I know that I have nothing to fear, that I am never alone, that I will always have my Jesus.

Yet the fear is there. Somewhere in the perimeter of my mind, it whispers. It reminds me of the past and warns me protect myself so that can’t happen again.

There is a part of me that wants to tell them. To explain why I am so hesitant to join the church, or to apply for the job. Yet how can I even begin to describe what I’ve been through? It’s not exactly the kind of thing you can mention in passing. Plus, the fear tells me that I shouldn’t trust them, that I should just never tell anyone because then no one can hurt me. Ridiculous, huh?

Not to mention, would they even believe me? Heaven knows I’ve been rejected by people who refuse to accept my past, my journey. Worse, the people who rejected me were often the people who should have accepted me and guided me.

I can’t help but wonder how they would react if they knew. I’m not who they think I am. That job- I just can’t see any way that might turn out well. I’m sure the application process would include lots of questions about my history, and I just can’t imagine them accepting all the skeletons in my closets. And now that I’ve found a church that seems nice enough- if I get rejected and cast out again- I just don’t know if I can do it again.

I don’t know what the future holds. I have these 2 people who seem to be new friends. There are other people in the church who seem to be my friends. If you can’t tell, my mind is running in circles tonight. Not to mention I’ve been so busy that I’m crazy sleep deprived, and I rarely make sense when I’m sleep deprived. Perhaps it will all be a little clearer in the morning.

This week, a local news anchor committed suicide.

Today while I was working, I heard this song on the radio and couldn’t help but think of him.

(Sorry, couldn’t find the official music video.)

Tick tock, hear the clock countdown
Wish the minute hand could be rewound
So much to do and so much I need to say
Will tomorrow be too late?

Feel the moment slip into the past
Like sand through an hourglass
In the madness, I guess, I just forget
To do all the things I said

Time passes by, never thought I’d wind up
One step behind, now I’ve made my mind up

Today, I’m gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I’m gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late
One day too late, one day too late

Tick tock, hear my life pass by
I can’t erase and I can’t rewind
Of all the things I regret the most I do
Wish I’d spent more time with you

Here’s my chance for a new beginning
I saved the best for a better ending
In the end I’ll make it up to you
You’ll see, you’ll get the very best of me

Time passes by, never thought I’d wind up
One step behind, now I’ve made my mind up

Today, I’m gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I’m gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

Your time is running out
You’re never gonna get it back
So make the most of every moment
Stop saving the best for last

Today, I’m gonna try a little harder
Gonna make every minute last longer
Gonna learn to forgive and forget
‘Cause we don’t have long, gonna make the most of it

Today, I’m gonna love my enemies
Reach out to somebody who needs me
Make a change, make the world a better place
‘Cause tomorrow could be one day too late

One day too late, one day too late
One day too late, one day too late