Well let’s see… where to begin… I was so worked up beforehand. I couldn’t decide what to wear, so I pulled a bunch of shirts out of my closet and spent 30 minutes trying on shirts in front of the mirror. Finally I settled on a blue button-up, then got really mad at myself for acting like a silly schoolgirl. Then I changed my mind again and opted for the green cotton with 3/4-length sleeves.

Once I was in the car and on my way, it occurred to me that if my Blackberry died for any reason, I would be in big trouble, since I had the address where I was going AND planned to use the GPS to find it. That was total paranoia, since the battery was charged and I had no reason to suspect it would die. (It didn’t.)

Traffic was light, so as I approached my destination, I was running about 10 minutes early. Of course I didn’t want to be early, and I happened to be kinda concerned (paranoid!) about my breath at that moment, so I stopped at a Walgreens to buy a box of Altoids and kill some time.

Once I got there (right on time!), as I kinda expected, I had nothing to worry about. Everyone was nice and overall it was a good experience, even if I felt a bit awkward or out of place sometimes. I have many more thoughts, but they can wait until tomorrow.

I am now obsessing over what I will wear. I’ve found jeans and a nice tshirt- casual but not TOO casual, plus this particular tshirt looks good on me. I found a matching headband- a ponytail is too casual. I’ve also found a pair of earrings. I don’t wear a lot of jewelry anyway, so I don’t have a lot to choose from, but I plan to dig through my jewelry box and see if I can find a necklace or bracelet or something.

Yeesh. How crazy, but I am nervous. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Tomorrow evening, I’m planning to go to one of these Bible studies. Nervous but a little excited too. Of course I will update this and tell you all about it.

After the rain
You can look to the sky again
The clouds will give way
To the light of the sun
After the rain
You know that you’ve made it through
And you’ll finally see the joy from the pain
After the rain

I just received an email from the young adult/singles pastor who I spoke with this morning. He sent me a list of small group Bible studies beginning this week. And now I’m terrified.

See, thing is, I am a square peg in a round hole. Or a round peg in a square hole. My background is not neat and tidy. I don’t have a “typical” Christian testimony that I can tie up with a bow. Quite frankly, my journey to Christ has led many Christians to reject me based soley on this atypicality.

So as I look at this list of the names of the hosts of the upcoming Bible studies, suddenly the prospect of having to tell my story becomes real. Suddenly I’m wondering who, amongst all these names, would be least likely to judge. I don’t know any of these people. I have absolutely no knowledge on which to base this choice, other than names and addresses.

All I know is, this is real. It’s no longer about Sunday morning small talk, easy conversations that don’t really reveal anything about me. It’s about meeting people and getting real. It’s revealing myself, being emotionally intimate. It’s scary. It’s terrifying. I long for it, but I fear it too.

written this morning at church

I am “between churches” right now. After many weeks and months of prayer, I left my previous “church home”, the place that was my church home for some twenty years prior. I don’t miss my old church a bit. Though change is sometimes painful, this change was a relief. However, it has brought about some unique challenges.

I think being without a church home has given me a unique perspective on the church in America. It is different and strange to be amongst this group of people and to know none of them. I wonder what their stories are- what are their struggles, their fears, their passions. What does church mean to them?

I am sitting off to the side of this large Sunday School class, in this room filled with my peers. I actually don’t feel uncomfortable, although that may be just me. I have no desire, though, to throw myself into this group of strangers. I should, I suppose, but I already feel somewhat overwhelmed. Perhaps next week.

It is odd to be in this position of no responsibility. At my old church, there were so many pieces of the services that were entirely dependent on me, as no one else in the church possessed the knowledge necessary. Here, my presence (or lack thereof) effects the service little. Yet there is a relief in that also. I no longer have to stay up most of the night Saturday and into the wee hours of Sunday morning. I no longer have to arrive at church two or more hours prior to the service to prepare the audiovisuals. I no longer have to miss Sunday School every single week for the same reason. I no longer have to devote my Sunday afternoons, and sometimes my Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, to the church’s technical needs. All these must be a sacrifice; when they are not a sacrifice, they are a burden.

I’d like to get to know these people, although I am nonetheless cautious. I suspect that these are good people, yet trust is earned. I’ve been burned too many times before to trust easily. Yet I think I would enjoy a future here.

Strange churches are scary places. It is a shame that the “church” as a whole has transformed all churches into places where a stranger cannot be comfortable- where a stranger is a stranger regardless of their beliefs or kinship in the body of Christ. One cannot relax in a particular church until one is assured that this church is a place where one can be vulnerable in an environment of safety and security.

Indeed, history shows that the church will not be brought down by forces outside the church, but rather by dissension within the church. We are our own worst enemy.