Portions written at church this morning are italicized; tonight’s thoughts are below.
I was late this morning, which is probably just as well since I really have no desire to socialize. 
I didn’t sleep well last night and I really would have liked a couple more hours of sleep, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
Anyway when I walked in, today there were a buch of people who waved at me. I sorta recognized some from the Bible study or from being here before. It took me a little while but I was finally able to place everyone- the different clothes threw me. The girl by the door was wearing scrubs last Tuesday, the one in the green was sitting on the far couch, and the girl with the long hair was the one who sat next to me.
They did a thing that is actually pretty neat, where they wrote down a bunch of each others’ names on wristbands, mixed everything up, and passed the wristbands out, so they could pray for the people on their wristbands. Everyone got up to “mingle” and to ask the people on their wrisbands how they could pray. But, I’m cool staying here. Someone told me that none of the people on my wristband are here so I am perfectly happy sitting here.
After that we broke into “accountability groups”. That was a a bit much for me. I barely know these people and you better believe I’m not gonna be telling them my secrets. What’s more, they asked us to commit to “Daniel Fasts” and “Media Fasts”. Daniel fasts are food fasts- eating nothing but fruits, beggies, and water. Media fasts are fasts from all media- TV, computers, music, etc. That’s cool but, I can’t just change my diet (for health reasons) and I can’t not get online (for work reasons). Not to mention I’ve already done all my grocery shopping for the week. This just feels like a bit much. I can and will fast in my own way- not drastically changing my diet or abandoning my job, but abstaining from something that is meaningful to me. I’m just overwhelmed by walking in this class and having all these things thrown at me.
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I suppose I was spooked, somewhat, by the 22 pages I received earlier this week. It kinda feels like this group is NOT good at welcoming new people. Yes, I’m already a Christian, but that doesn’t mean I understand the dynamics of your group or your traditions. It also doesn’t mean I’m ready to pour out my soul. That doesn’t make me a bad person; that’s just how I am.
I don’t think these people grasp that some people- including myself!- really don’t want to be forced to go out of my way to get to know them. It’s like, I don’t want to step outside my comfort zone; I know it is easier for YOU if I am the one to step outside my comfort zone, but if you have a desire to reach out and minister to others, why do you expect ME to be the one to do the work? I know that doesn’t seem to fit with my personality- I’m a pretty talkative person. However, I have learned about myself that, when I am nervous (such as when I am thrust into a group of strangers), I babble. I talk, saying nothing meaningful, but often revealing things I did not intend to reveal. So, I am far more comfortable sitting off to the side, watching how a group interacts, and just keep to myself until I can enter the group without being nervous.
I’m not sure what to think. Churches are full of relationships. Relationships are hard. Relationships hurt. Heaven only knows how many times I’ve been hurt by relationships, and I’m not much inclined to reach out and trust again.
From Mike Donehey:
“there will come a time you’ll see, with no more tears, and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears…”