My oh so very wise sister told me, “A lot of people are completely clueless about what it is like to walk into a church alone and try to get connected. Unfortunately few churches really welcome people like they want to.”

She’s so right.

I’ve been going to this new church and trying out this new Bible study. Last night I decided I was done.

See, there’s been this issue with a fast. The singles group decided to have a fast and made it sound an awful lot like we were all going to be required to do it. I’ve been struggling to figure that out- you know, I’m new, and I don’t know their customs and whatnot. Last night I figured it out.

This wasn’t a pre-planned thing. The pastor and singles leaders got together before Sunday School and decided we needed to fast. And that was that, no arguing. And that bothers me, a lot. Fasting is such a hugely personal thing, plus there are major health implications. Not everyone can just stop eating at your whim without suffering serious health consequences. To just announce that we’re all gonna fast together this week is a very immature, junior high-ish thing to do.

There are other things that frustrate me- other behaviors that just don’t add up. In this small group Bible study, apparently everyone except me is following everyone else except me on Facebook, and texting each other during the week. And they say things that just strike me as immature… like they don’t understand what it is like to be a professional and have a job. Plus other stuff referring to recent graduations. I definitely felt like the oldest person in the group, and not in a good way. Last night they spent a long time bemoaning their singleness, which drove me nuts. Singleness is not a curse, people!

It just all feels so very disorganized, and hugely lacking in communication. I hope they are all happy with it. But I just can’t tolerate being a part of a group- or at least ATTEMPTING to be a part of a group- when I’m not quite sure if they even want me to be a part of it. Plus I shouldn’t have to tolerate that.

I’m not going back to this Sunday school or this Bible study. I still like the preaching style of the senior pastor of this church, and it’s a large church, so I will try another class. Hopefully there will be a group that accepts and respects singleness and careers. You would think that wouldn’t be so hard, but apparently it is.

People aren’t confused by the gospel,
They’re confused by us.
Jesus is the only way to God,
But we are not the only way to Jesus.
This world doesn’t need
My tie, my hoodie,
My denomination, or my translation of the Bible,
They just need Jesus.
We can be passionate about what we believe,
But we can’t strap ourselves to the gospels.
Because we’re slowing it down
Jesus is going to save the world,
But maybe the best thing we can do
Is just get out of the way.

-”What This World Needs”, Casting Crowns

I will be leaving in a half hour or so for another of these Bible studies.

I’m so fed up with everything that I plan to call these people on the events of the past few weeks. I’m a bit nervous but also a bit relieved just in knowing it will be over soon.

Will update, of course.

It’s amazing how hurt is so concealed.

I’m sitting in this lobby, and yea, I’m hurt. I’m hurt that this group doesn’t feel the need to even tell me what’s going on. Please, no need to pity, I am and I will be fine. But these people walk past me, all wrapped up in their own little worlds and their own problems, and I think- what would they say if they knew? What would they say if they could pull themselves out of their worlds and see the hurt that is right in front of them?

This is a conviction to me, too, because I know I’ve been guilty of this before. Sometimes I think we are most blind towards the things that are most obvious. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in myself and my own problems, and not see the problems that are right around me.

You know, I wonder what that group is thinking about on that retreat. Do they remember me, the new girl who sits in the front and doesn’t say much? That would be nice. They don’t read my websites, as far as I know, though I’ve given out a few business cards and sent a few emails (the URLs are in my signature). No one has ever challeneged me on something I’ve written or even just stepped up and said, you know, this is why we do this.

I hope their retreat goes well, even if I’m not on it. That’s the polite thing to say, isn’t it? I really don’t care. I’m just ready to go home and do something relaxing, like work on my cross stitch.

I got to church this morning and walked to the room where this Sunday school group meets… And the lights are off. Tables are out, chairs are pushed in- no one is there.

There was talk of a retreat this weekend- some people actually wanted me to go, although it’s just to soon for a sleepover (IMO). I guess that’s where they are, though ya know, why would they tell me that? I’m just the new girl who is still trying to figure them out. Why should I know? (Note the sarcasm. I’m really kinda irritated.) There’s not even a sign or any kind of indication that they even exist.

So I’m sitting in their lobby, writing to pass the time. No one is bothering me, and in an hour I will go to the service. Though I don’t know why I bother. I mean, I do- but boy oh boy, right now I’m not sure how I feel about this church.

Oh well. I should’ve slept in today. Maybe next week I will.

Oy vey. The past few days have been so crazy.

This week, I corresponded with the singles minister at the church I have been visiting regarding fasting. He apologized for giving me the wrong impression and explained a little more about what they do regarding corporate fasting. I appreciate the apology and felt like we had a good conversation, but I’m still on the fence.

There are still some issues about this church that perplex me. I like that they have a singles group and that they are NOT trying to pair everyone off. However, I’m perplexed about the structure of their Sunday school and Bible studies. As far as the Sunday school, I really don’t think I’ve been there enough to have a good grasp of it. But with both the Sunday school and Bible studies, I’m not sure if they are successfully working towards a good point. The teacher in me would say they don’t have quality lesson plans. After the lesson, I’m not sure what the “application point” was meant to be. I’m not sure what the lesson objective is. A lesson without an objective is not a lesson at all!

Ugh. Not to mention, I don’t feel terribly swell tonight. Hope I’m not getting sick. :-/

Not exactly sure what to write. Last night I went to that Bible study again. It was fine, I suppose… I was a little bothered by one girl who kinda poo-poo’ed something I said, but there were at least a couple of other girls who I think “got it”.

I’m still a bit hung up on this fasting issue. It’s not that I’m against fasting or that I think fasting is a bad thing- quite the opposite. But, I’m not sure that these people understand that fasting means different things to different people.

Fasting is traditionally associated with abstaining from a particular food or drink- such as fasting from dairy or meat- for a period of time, anything from a single meal to a day, a week, or a month. In a spiritual context, a fast is performed to encourage prayer or to enable a believer to draw closer to their God. However, while a food fast can certainly be effective, there are other types of “fasts” that are equally effective, such as abstaining from television, video games, or even just a morning newspaper. The point of a fast is to deny oneself the pleasurable desires of the flesh. Many people (myself included) are prohibited from doing extensive food fasts for medical reasons. For people like us, these non food fasts are our way to draw closer to God.

But fasting is different for everyone, especially when you get into the non-food options. For me, a video game fast would be easy, because I don’t play video games very often. However, a television fast would be much  more challenging. Fasts are different for everyone, and only the individual can determine what kind of fast would be best for them.

Last Sunday, this church group was preparing for a fast. It was the first I’d heard of this fast, but they looked at me and just expected me to fast with them. No one asked me if I was interested in fasting, or even gave me the reason for this fast. And that bothers me a lot.

It’s not that I’m against their fasting, but they made such a big deal out of it… It reminds me of Matthew 6:16-18, where Jesus says, When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

I don’t think Jesus is saying necessarily that we shouldn’t tell anyone about our fasts, or that we cannot fast together. And, it was brought up in a church setting, where presumably the majority of the people present would understand or perhaps also be participating in the fast. But, they made such a big deal out of it- in some cases, one-up’ing each other (“I’m fasting from xyz” “oh yea? well i’m also fasting from abc!”)… it makes me wonder why they are fasting. Are they fasting to seek spiritual enlightenment? or are they fasting so that they will look good in front of other people?

I don’t know. I just have too many questions right now. The answers will come in time.

Portions written at church this morning are italicized; tonight’s thoughts are below.

I was late this morning, which is probably just as well since I really have no desire to socialize. I didn’t sleep well last night and I really would have liked a couple more hours of sleep, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.

Anyway when I walked in, today there were a buch of people who waved at me. I sorta recognized some from the Bible study or from being here before. It took me a little while but I was finally able to place everyone- the different clothes threw me. The girl by the door was wearing scrubs last Tuesday, the one in the green was sitting on the far couch, and the girl with the long hair was the one who sat next to me.

They did a thing that is actually pretty neat, where they wrote down a bunch of each others’ names on wristbands, mixed everything up, and passed the wristbands out, so they could pray for the people on their wristbands. Everyone got up to “mingle” and to ask the people on their wrisbands how they could pray. But, I’m cool staying here. Someone told me that none of the people on my wristband are here so I am perfectly happy sitting here.

After that we broke into “accountability groups”. That was a a bit much for me. I barely know these people and you better believe I’m not gonna be telling them my secrets. What’s more, they asked us to commit to “Daniel Fasts” and “Media Fasts”. Daniel fasts are food fasts- eating nothing but fruits, beggies, and water. Media fasts are fasts from all media- TV, computers, music, etc. That’s cool but, I can’t just change my diet (for health reasons) and I can’t not get online (for work reasons). Not to mention I’ve already done all my grocery shopping for the week. This just feels like a bit much. I can and will fast in my own way- not drastically changing my diet or abandoning my job, but abstaining from something that is meaningful to me. I’m just overwhelmed by walking in this class and having all these things thrown at me.

****************************************

I suppose I was spooked, somewhat, by the 22 pages I received earlier this week. It kinda feels like this group is NOT good at welcoming new people. Yes, I’m already a Christian, but that doesn’t mean I understand the dynamics of your group or your traditions. It also doesn’t mean I’m ready to pour out my soul. That doesn’t make me a bad person; that’s just how I am.

I don’t think these people grasp that some people- including myself!- really don’t want to be forced to go out of my way to get to know them. It’s like, I don’t want to step outside my comfort zone; I know it is easier for YOU if I am the one to step outside my comfort zone, but if you have a desire to reach out and minister to others, why do you expect ME to be the one to do the work? I know that doesn’t seem to fit with my personality- I’m a pretty talkative person. However, I have learned about myself that, when I am nervous (such as when I am thrust into a group of strangers), I babble. I talk, saying nothing meaningful, but often revealing things I did not intend to reveal. So, I am far more comfortable sitting off to the side, watching how a group interacts, and just keep to myself until I can enter the group without being nervous.

I’m not sure what to think. Churches are full of relationships. Relationships are hard. Relationships hurt. Heaven only knows how many times I’ve been hurt by relationships, and I’m not much inclined to reach out and trust again.

From Mike Donehey:
“there will come a time you’ll see, with no more tears, and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears…”

Now I’m confused.

Apparently there is a particular “structure” or “format” for this Bible study, but I have no idea what it is. I received an email from one of the leaders containing a 22-page document (with 10-point type!!) outlining that format, and honestly it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. 22 pages? I didn’t know there were “rules” for reading the Bible!

This may be nothing. I’m probably overreacting. I haven’t read the 22 pages in depth (really, who has that much time?). But in just a quick scan of the document, I saw this:

Each morning ask God to give you a verse from 1 John to challenge you for that day.  Do not close your Bible and eat breakfast, take a shower, or go to work until you have it written down.

Okay, I totally understand commitment to the Bible. I get it. I even agree with that part of it.

But this pulls back memories from my college days, of those “Bible studies” that taught that the Bible says that we are supposed to read the Bible in the morning before getting dressed, as if reading the Bible at any other time of day does not count. Back in college, they made a strong implication that it was sinful to take a shower or brush your teeth prior to reading the Bible. As a night person, I spent many days in college wondering if my constant struggle (and often, failure) to wake up early to read the Bible would doom my eternal soul. Not true! And I WILL NOT go back to a Bible study like that.

I don’t know yet if that is what this group is. I will return, and I will take it one week at a time. Like I said, I am sure I am overreacting. I’m taking it out of context. But still… this gives me pause.

22 pages? I just want to scream, I’m new to your church! I’m new to your group! I don’t know what you are doing and I feel totally clueless! And yea, I’m just a little bit scared.

It’s odd being a part of a Bible study, particularly one with other girls who are my age. I grew up in a small church and, for most of my life, I was the only person my age in the whole church. And I mean by far- the closest person to my age was usually the pastor’s daughter, who was ten years younger than me, or the pastor’s wife, who was 15 years older than me. Because of that, I developed a fairly introspective, individual flavor of Christianity. I was (and am) accustomed to reading the Bible, facing problems, and just generally facing life without other Christians at my side.

During college, I was somewhat involved in Bible studies, and that was really the only time in my life that I was in Bible study groups with anyone my age. Or, really, with Bible study groups period. I don’t look back on that time with particularly fond memories, not so much because of the Bible study groups but because of the very non-Biblical behavior of the other people in those groups. However, I do realize that one majorly good thing I got out of those Bible studies was that I was reading my Bible far more frequently.

So where does that leave me? I’m not sure. It feels kinda odd to be in a Bible study group among my peers and to have them asking me about the Bible, prayer requests, and so forth. It’s not a bad thing… just feels strange because that has happened so rarely to me before.

I’m not sure yet if I trust them. I mean, I’m sure they are nice people, but trust is earned and honestly I am quite hesitant to trust people. Been burned too many times, I suppose. I will keep you updated!

I, too have been hurt by those who claimed to show the way
It was crazy, their two faces like night and day
But you don’t stop believing ’cause you once been burned
In everything, there’s a lesson learned
Man is imperfect, there is just One Perfect Soul
So much more loving than than one
that you’ve been shown, oh
How long is it gonna take for you to realize
I wish that you would open your eyes