Sometimes it is interesting and challenging to find the right words to express myself.

I spent the whole day yesterday with my pastor’s wife, helping them fix their computers.  It is interesting and rewarding for me to fix a computer problem.  I worry sometimes, though, that the friends I help are beginning to think too much of me.  My pastor and his wife are very impressed and amazed by my ability to solve computer problems, which is very flattering, but I do not feel like an expert in all things computers.  I am afraid that one day they will have a problem that I won’t be able to fix.  So far though, I have been able to deal with all the challenges I’ve experienced.

Then yesterday night I went to a “game night” with them.  This is the second time I’ve accompanied them to a game night.  These game nights involve several of their friends, and just getting together for dinner and a game.  It is certainly fun, but also sometimes feels strange for me.

It is hard to describe.  I am an outgoing person, but also oddly reserved.  My life has shaped me strangely- by my nature, I am very outgoing, but I have been hurt just enough that it is much harder for me to trust people.  There are many things about me that I just don’t tell other people, aside from a very select few who have earned my trust.

I have learned to be quite content by myself.  I have learned to accept and even celebrate my life, my calling, and my choices, which are certainly unique and unusual.  And apparently I’ve become so content that feels strange to spend time with a large group of people- not exactly out of place, but just like something feels off about it.

Of course, it probably didn’t help that I was VERY sleep deprived.

Last night I had a strange dream.  I have a lot of strange dreams and usually have some deep and interesting thoughts as a result.

Anyway, in this dream I was in a large building.  I knew it was a prison, and I also knew I wasn’t a prisoner.  I don’t know why I was there, but I was.  Awful things were happening- prison riots, people stabbing each other and attacking each other, tearing furniture off the walls, etc.  I am pretty mild mannered by nature, and definitely not a violent person.  I was attacked, beaten, stabbed, and just generally in pretty bad physical shape.

The various prisoners left the room.  I was the only person in the room, laying motionless on the ground.  This is where the dream gets strange(r).  Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson, from Law&Order:SVU burst into the room, brandishing their weapons like a scene straight out of, well, Law&Order:SVU.  They saw me right away.  My eyes were closed but I could see them (hey, it’s a dream!).  Stabler walked over to me and pressed his fingers against my neck to check for a pulse.

Now, let me clarify here: I do NOT have a “crush” or any romantic attraction towards Elliot Stabler or the actor who plays him (Chris Meloni).  I have great respect for the work of law enforcement professionals who work to prosecute crimes against women and children, and it gives me a great amount of satisfaction to see justice served against such criminals, even in the fictional world.  Perhaps even more so in the fictional world, because in the world of fiction they are always caught and prosecuted, and justice prevailed.  Too often that does not happen in the real world.

Anyway, there was something gentle and protective about the way that he touched me.  I can’t describe it entirely- it was cool and professional, but it was also safe.  That’s the only way I can describe it- in that dream-moment, I felt safe.

I can see so many parallels between this story and my life, or even just life in general.  But I’ll save those for another day.